A long time ago we used to be friends…to quote the Veronica Mars Theme song…
I was listening to it earlier and I thought about all the friends I’ve lost over the years. The ones I fought to keep and still lost…hang around in my mind. They linger there as I dissect the last remaining threads trying to understand where it all went wrong. Why am I no longer friends with these people? There are a variety of reasons, but no matter how you look at it they meant something to me once upon a time. So there will always be a hole in my heart where they used to be.
The ones that hurt the most are the ones you never think you’ll lose. You just expect them to be there no matter what happens in your life. Never once do you think something that had an impact on your life will make them disappear and write you off. Hell the one that kills me is when you do nothing at all. They quit being the person you thought they were when they admit that its not you—it’s your family. So something you can’t control makes them not want anything to do with you.
Yes I’ve made choices I’m not proud of. Yes I have a bunch of miscreants in my family that make decisions that is out and out stupid. Did I stand by them? Yeah I did. That’s what family does for each other. Did I condone their decisions? Hell no. I think they are stupid too. They are my family and no matter what nothing is going to change that. Sometimes, hell most days, I’d like to disown them along with the rest of the world. I’ve dreamed about moving out to my own private island and cutting off all ties to the outside world. It’s not practical, but damn is it nice to picture the peace it would bring me.
They are not the sole reason I’ve lost friends though. I can’t blame it on them. Once a long time ago I made a decision to this day I regret. I won’t get into the gory details…it is what it is. I can’t change it no matter how much I want to. Someone I believed was my friend stopped talking to me. One of my bestest of friends from high school. No explanation or even one accusation–just dead silence. I had no clue what was going on or that she even knew what I’d done. I thought, foolishly, that those I’d entrusted with my secret horror had kept it to themselves. That should tell you something. No secret ever stays secret. Did I try to reach out to her? Hell yeah I did. I even emailed her a year later. Her response? I must be desperate for friends if I kept trying to contact her.
Let it be known I don’t have to beg anyone to be my friend. If you don’t want to be in my life anymore that’s your decision. I only thought that, as one of my longest friendships to date, you’d like to mend something that had been broken between us. Sorry I was so wrong.
Why am I talking about broken friendships today? Because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I read something that said that you could go without talking to a true friend and nothing would change. I disagree. A lot can change. People change everyday. Some just quit accepting things that they used to dismiss. I have some wonderful amazing friends that I talk to every day. It’s the one’s I don’t talk to on a regular basis that I miss. They will always be in my heart. The only difference is now I’m trying to not let it hurt so much that they are no longer the friends they used to be in my life. At least I can take comfort that only one has completely quit talking to me. Right? We do what we do and we move on. It’s how we get through life’s hardships. Just because something is lost doesn’t mean it never can be found. Maybe one day a previously lost friendship can be regained. It just won’t be the same as it used to be. Who knows it could be a hundred times better.
and for those of you curious about We Used to Be Friends by the Dandy Warhols…